What if you're not feeling grateful this Thanksgiving?

One of my patients in clinic yesterday shared how much she was dreading Thanksgiving.

Since experiencing a recent pregnancy loss, she’s been finding it difficult to feel grateful for much of anything. What was making it even harder was the guilt and judgment she felt about not feeling grateful. She knew there were good things in her life, people she loved, and experiences she appreciated, but right now her sadness and disappointment were taking up so much space.

It's something I hear often in my work supporting people through fertility challenges and pregnancy loss. Holidays can be particularly difficult when you're trying to grow your family, especially when they bring reminders of where you hoped you'd be by now.

There may be a pregnancy announcement around the dinner table, questions about when you're going to have children, or the sadness of remembering that you thought you'd be celebrating with a baby this year. For someone who has experienced pregnancy loss, the holiday may bring another reminder of the family member who isn't there.

Woven through all of this is the expectation that Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on everything we're grateful for. When life feels especially painful, that expectation can create another layer of difficulty. We may find ourselves thinking we should be more appreciative of what we have, or feeling guilty that we're struggling to enjoy time with the people we love.

If gratitude feels difficult to access this year, perhaps you can give yourself some room to acknowledge that. You can appreciate the good things in your life and still feel deeply sad about what's missing or what you're hoping for. These experiences can exist alongside one another.

Here are a few ways to support yourself through the weekend.

Notice and savour small moments of appreciation

When we're navigating something painful, gratitude can feel like too big a leap. Rather than trying to cultivate a feeling that isn't naturally there, I often encourage people to begin by simply noticing small moments of appreciation throughout the day.

This might be the warmth of your morning tea, the colours of the autumn leaves, the comfort of your favourite sweater, or the pleasure of seeing your dog race toward you when you come through the door. These ordinary experiences are easy to overlook, especially when our attention is consumed by worry, sadness, or uncertainty.

Our brains are naturally inclined to pay attention to things that might threaten our safety or well-being. When we're navigating fertility challenges, there can be plenty for the mind to worry about: the next appointment, an upcoming procedure, test results, or whether treatment will work. We can become so absorbed in anticipating what might happen next that we barely register the pleasant experiences happening around us.

One way to support ourselves is through savouring, the practice of intentionally spending a little more time with something enjoyable.

If you're out for a walk and notice the beauty of the autumn colours, pause for a moment. Take in the different shades of red, orange, and yellow. Feel the cool air against your skin. If you're sharing a meal with someone you love, notice the pleasure of the food, the conversation, or a moment of laughter.

See what happens when you stay with a pleasant experience for just a few extra seconds, allowing yourself to take it in. The difficult feelings will likely still be present, and that's okay. These small experiences can offer a little nourishment, even when life feels particularly challenging.

Make a plan for family gatherings

For many people navigating fertility challenges or pregnancy loss, the anticipation of a family gathering can be more stressful than the gathering itself.

You may be wondering whether someone will ask about your plans to have children, how you'll feel around a pregnant relative, or whether you'll be able to manage conversations about babies and parenting. Even well-intentioned questions can be difficult when they touch on something deeply personal.

Taking a little time to think about what you might need can help you approach these situations with more confidence.

Prepare a response to difficult questions. Having a few words ready can make it easier to respond without feeling caught off guard. Something as simple as, “Thanks for asking, but I'd rather not talk about that today,” is enough. You don't owe anyone an explanation about your fertility journey.

Give yourself permission to take breaks. If you notice that a conversation is becoming difficult, you might step outside for some fresh air, offer to help in the kitchen, or take a few minutes somewhere quiet.

Have an exit plan. Consider how long you'd like to stay and whether it would be helpful to agree on a signal with your partner or someone you trust if you're ready to leave. Knowing you have options can make attending feel more manageable.

It's also okay to decline an invitation. There may be years when a large family gathering feels enjoyable and others when a quiet weekend at home feels more supportive. You can make that decision based on what you need right now.

A little kindness toward yourself

As you move through Thanksgiving weekend, pay attention to how you're speaking to yourself. If you notice thoughts about how you should be feeling or how you should be coping, consider how you might respond to a close friend going through something similar.

Most of us would offer understanding and kindness to someone experiencing fertility challenges or pregnancy loss. See if you can extend some of that same compassion toward yourself.

Whatever this Thanksgiving brings, I hope you can find a few moments of comfort, make choices that support your well-being, and give yourself permission to experience the holiday in whatever way feels right for you.

Wishing you a gentle Thanksgiving weekend, wherever you find yourself on the path to growing your family.

With care,

Stephanie

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Looking for a little more support?

If you're navigating fertility challenges or pregnancy loss, my next Ground to Grow live mindfulness group begins October 22.

Over six weeks, we'll explore practical ways to navigate stress, difficult emotions, and uncertainty, with short guided practices and support from others who understand. Learn more about the October group »